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If I had to choose one word to describe my nature
it would be determined. My Uncle Charley loves to tell the story of
teaching me how to water-ski when I was 5 years old. I said “hit
it!” the boat picked up speed and I was up. Up, but not balanced.
Apparently I never found my balance during that first attempt, nor
did I fall. Sheer will and 5 year-old muscle kept me skiing.
Determination took me a long way… from Alabama to New York City. I began
a serious study of ballet at age 7. When I was 10, I put my hands on my hips
in my all-knowing way and told my parents that I was going to be a professional
ballet dancer. Eight years later I had a Traineeship with the Joffrey Ballet.
It was not as much natural talent that landed me there as passion, will, fearlessness
and very hard work. In yoga we call this quality Tapas ~ the deepest desire that
is the essence of will; the internal fire that fuels us to be here and thrive
in the world; intensity of effort.
The intensity of New York City life and the demands of my classical training
fed my fiery spirit. The city buzzed with energy and creativity. There art was
not limited to the rehearsal studio or stage; art and life collided on the streets
in a resounding “Yes!” I felt more determined than ever to succeed,
yet a deep yearning to broaden my scope of learning and experience was growing
within me. Unfortunately this feeling was not supported by my dance teachers
who advised me not to go college, not to fall in love, and when my weight crept
up from 98 to 108, not to eat so much. The “No’s” I heard from
my teachers didn’t resonate with the “Yes’s” I felt inside
of me and a deep internal struggle ensued. One can only ski off balance for so
long before falling or dropping the ropes out of sheer exhaustion.
My yoga practice has taught me that my body will clearly teach me what my heart
and mind choose to ignore. My turning point came when an injury requiring surgery
and a long recovery forced me to look beyond the life I’d always known.
I decided to embrace what I’d been missing. I went to college, fell in
love, and I ate ice cream – I even worked at Ben & Jerry’s! I
spent the next 10 years of my life redefining myself, realigning ~ a process
that in yoga we call Svadyaya. I was all over the map. I spent two years as a
community organizer and three years as the movement director for an athletic
program for youth and adults with disabilities, I was in a small modern dance
company and I worked as a hostess. I even tried life in the corporate world for
awhile.
Still searching, at the urging of a friend, (you all know her as a teacher here
named Kate Miller) I walked into a yoga studio to take my first class. In an
instant I felt like I was home. I came home to my breath and my body, and I found
what I’d been looking for most…my spiritual home. I experienced the
beautiful paradox of feeling grounded and free; content with who I was and free
to aspire to be more. It was as if the flood-gates of my soul were opened washing
away the “No’s” and filling me with a resounding “Yes”.
By the time the beginning yoga session ended, I knew that I wanted to begin a
life-long study of this beautiful practice and share it with others as a teacher.
My yoga practice revealed to me what was missing all along…surrender, or
Ishvarapranadana ~ accepting life as a divine gift and making each action an
open handed offering of thanksgiving. As stated in the yoga scriptures, effort
(Tapas) and surrender (Ishvarapranadana) are the two wings of the dove. Clear
seeing through self-study (Svadyaya) balances the wings helping us to fly in
a clear path. I’ve learned from my teachers, especially John Friend, Suzie
Hurley and Kate Miller, from my students, and from my practice, that it takes
all three to find peace. Thank you all for your open handed guidance!
I haven’t water skied in a very long time. I think I’ll make a point
of it this summer. This time I’ll yell “hit it!” stand up on
my skies, take a deep breath and open to grace. It won’t matter if I glide
over the water with ease or fall. Either way my heart will say “Yes!” It’s
a practice.
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